Sunday, January 31, 2010
Really Funny Clean Jokes - What power switch
She said, she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes,
waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the
power switch, she asked ‘what power switch? ‘
True story from a Novel Netware SysOp:
Tech: “Yes, It is. How may I help you?”
caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”
Tech: “Did you say a Cup holder?”
caller: “Yes! It is attached to the front of my computer”
Tech:”Please excuse me if […]
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Really Funny Clean Jokes - There’s a parrot on the plane
to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And
get me a whisky you cow!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for
the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her […]
Really Funny Clean Jokes - The Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans
2. Bad Air: We’re Amtrak with wings.
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.
7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don’t worry. […]
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Answering machine message
gadjets like no ansherin’ machine. You jusht had to call and call until
shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don’ like ‘em, but I shay
it’ll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Answering machine message
5… 4… 3… 2… 1…
Monday, January 25, 2010
Acronyms-Abbreviations Coded Really Ominously Null
SCSI - System Can’t See It
DOS - Defunct Operating System
BASIC - Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too
ISDN - I Simply Don’t Know
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Crew boss
his return home, his parents asked him what happened.
“You know what a crew boss is?” he asked. “The one who stands around and
watches everyone else work.”
“What’s that got to do with it?” they asked.
“Well, he just got jealous of me,” the young biologist […]
Friday, January 22, 2010
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Looking Bad
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Price Of Madness
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Huge criminal record
Dennis Payne, 30, was arrested as a pickpocket at a Jersey City, N.J., train station, his 135th arrest in New Jersey and New York City since 1978. Police said it took a computer more than a half-hour to print out Payne’s arrest record.
Making cars drive
Fort Erie, Ontario, Constable Paul Fletcher told reporters in December that a man armed with a club tried to force a woman to drive him home with her to get money for him, but that when he waited for her to unlock the passenger door from inside, she sped away.
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Steal little things
Really Funny Clean Jokes - You aren’t the worst
Ordering fast food
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
One Chicken, One Road, Many Reasons
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good of man.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it
take.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: That chicken knew nothing of its mission […]
Signs You’ve Had Enough of the New Millenium
”Passionate kiss, like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.”
”Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone!”
”Man who run behind car get exhausted”
”Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day”
”Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.”
”Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok”
”Man with one chopstick go […]
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Yo family is poor
fingers!
Really Funny Clean Jokes - In the USA
In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.
In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.
In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.
In Switzerland, everything that is not prohibited by law is obligatory.
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Shoulda Quit While…
doctors didn’t expect him to live very long. But the boy survived, so on his
eighteenth birthday his father took him out to a bar for a drink.
The father ordered his son a scotch and when the boy […]
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Man Catches Crocodile
So the crocodile bit his legs off.
Really Funny Clean Jokes - The Engineer And The Frog
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back […]
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Shoot The Pig
“In the back of your truck […]
Monday, January 18, 2010
You could feed them a lot faster
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Living with the Wolf Man
“Listen! I don’t want to talk about work!” he shouts.
“Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?” she asks nicely.
“Listen!” he shouts again. “I’m not hungry! […]
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Dog Watch
Hotel Host: “I can’t imagine, unless it’s because you have the plate he usually eats from.”
Really Funny Clean Jokes - 20,000 Cockroaches
Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.
Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.
Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Blonde Horses Around
After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was […]
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Act
During the first intermission he had to attend to nature’s call in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms. He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a beautiful fountain with foliage, and since nobody was watching, so he decided to […]
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password
8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
7. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it… and a strange aroma of tuna.
5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of “CyberDog.”
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a […]
Really Funny Clean Jokes - This is one smart dog
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Black and White
A zebra with a sun burn.
Really Funny Clean Jokes - The preacher buys a parrot
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Connection with God
A 70-year-old man went to the doctor’s for a physical.
The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, “Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?”
And the man answered, “Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he’s so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.”
The Doctor was astonished.
He called the man’s wife and said, “I’d like to speak to you about your husband’s connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?”
And she said, “That idiot, he’s been peeing in the refrigerator!”Really Funny Clean Jokes - Success of marriage
Friday, January 15, 2010
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Two young boys
The man at the counter asked the older boy, ‘Son, how old are you?’
‘Eight’, the boy replied.
The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’
The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him.
He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you
would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those’.
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Trading Place
One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation.
He took Charlie aside and questioned him.
Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.
The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.
The priest then asked him again, “Charlie, did you take any of the offering?” This time, Charlie replied, “I can’t hear you.”
The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, “I can’t hear you.”
Finally, the priest yelled, “CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?”
Again, the reply was, “I can’t hear you.”
The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, “Trade places with me and you can ask me a question.”
So, they traded places and Charlie asked, “Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?”
To which the priest replied, “By golly, you’re right, you can’t hear in here”
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Really Funny Clean Jokes - What Was He Thinking?
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Wrong Bank
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Really Funny Clean Jokes - No Warrant?
A man was charged with drug possession. At his trial, he claimed that the officers had searched him without a search warrant. The judge explained that they did not need one because the bulge in his pocket had looked like a gun. The man happened to be wearing the same jacket. When he handed it to the judge, a bag of cocaine fell out of the pocket.
The judge had to take a five minute recess to regain his composure.
Really Funny Clean Jokes - That Stinks
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Steal Something Smaller Next Time
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Short on Cash. Will This Do?
A customer at the drive through window of a fast food restaurant apparently didn't have enough cash on him to pay the bill. He offered to pay for his order with marijuana.
The cashier refused and called the police with a description of the vehicle.
Soon after, a police officer spotted the vehicle and pulled it over. An inspection of the car turned up marijuana. The driver was arrested.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Really Funny Clean Jokes
"How much for the beer?" the neutron asks the bartender.
"For you?" replies the bartender,"no charge."
Funny Clean Jokes
speed of light."
Really Funny Clean Jokes
The waiter asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
Descartes says, "I think not," and instantly disappears.
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Area 51
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Hunting Flies
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on the beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Really Funny Clean Jokes - The Hypnotist
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invites two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth wile quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHOOT!" said the Hypnotist.....
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Really Funny Clean Jokes - Observation
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
Really Funny Clean Jokes
Friday, January 8, 2010
A lady was walking down
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work theparrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
How to give a cat a pill.
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
Thug In A Bar
The next day the dwarfs in the bar again hoping the same won't happen again when the thug strode in again and jabs him in the stomach." I learnt how to do that at boxing club! stupid dwarf!"
That's it thought the dwarf I'm not taking this anymore. So, the next day when the thug was sitting at the bar the dwarf walked in and hits him so hard his head started to bleed."Where'd you learn that? asked the thug.
"Well to begin with you chopped me on the head with a chop you learned at ju-jutsi and then you jabbed me like you would in boxing and then I hit you with a crowbar from halfords!"
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Really Funny Airplane Jokes
Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:
1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants."
2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."
3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"
4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull
it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child, pick your favorite."
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Chris and the chocolate factory
Funny Old People Joke
Guys With Cannibals
The 1st guy comes back with what looks like apples. He gets to 4 and makes a pained face. He gets his head cut off and he goes to Heaven. The 2nd guy comes back with berries and gets to 9 and laughs. He gets his head cut off and he, too, goes to Heaven.
The 1st and 2nd guy meet up in Heaven and the first guy asks the other guy why he laughed. He had berries he could have lived. The second guy replies, 'I saw the 3rd guy coming back with pineapples!!!" LOL TOO FUNNY!
Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
101 Ways To Annoy People
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Last Request
as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. Thisrequest is granted,
and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his finalrequest, so they give
him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"
chuck norris
difference between complete and finish
Dad: my son, if you love the right girl and you got married then your complete;
but, if you love the wrong gal then you're finished
Monday, January 4, 2010
Funny Joke
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker
bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you
gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?”
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out
through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the
quivering [...]
Funny Stories – Chicken Legs
Chicken Legs
By Kathee Austin
I grew up hating my legs. It was bad enough they were skinny, but worse yet were those darned boney knock-knees.
As an adult I’ve come to accept what is and learned to get on with my life! I try not to let the inferior feelings of my adolescence creep into this [...]
Funny Stories – Baseball in Heaven
Baseball in Heaven
Humor Editor
Two ninety-year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.
It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. “Sam,” says Moe, “You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you gotta’ do me one favor. When you go, somehow you’ve got [...]
Funny Stories – Better New Words
Better New Words
Kathleen Austin
Better New Words by Kathee Austin
Thanks to the authors of New Words and More Words, who challenged this brain dead mind of mine to THINK again! Please check back often as the list of definitions below is likely to grow. Words That Don’t Exist
More word definitions:
Pizzacide (peet’ suh side)v. The act [...]
Funny Engineer Joke
Managers vs Engineers
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the
height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and
tape measures, and they’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape
measures – the whole thing is just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying [...]
Funny Phychic Joke
The psychic
Linda visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,
peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: “There’s
no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt – prepare yourself to be
a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Very [...]
Funny Joke
A woman and a man
A woman was in bed with the best friend of her husband, Jim when the phone
rang. She got out of bed and went into the hall to answer it. After a few
moments, she returned, got back into bed and said, “That was Jim but don’t
worry. He won’t be [...]
Funny Doctor Joke
The Doctor
Martin complained to his doctor, “I’ve been to three other doctors and
none of them agreed with your diagnosis.”
The doctor calmly replied, ” Nonsense. Just wait until the autopsy,
then they’ll see that I was right.”
Funny Joke
I Gotta Go!
As a mother stood in the pharmacy line waiting to turn in a
prescription, her squirming three-year old daughter said, “Mommy,
I have to go to the bathroom.”
“Honey, I can’t take you right now because I’m in line, just wait
a minute,” she said.
Her eight-year old son, volunteered to take his sister to [...]
Funny Joke
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel-hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use
string. I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she [...]
Funny Pirate Joke
Two seafaring men are sitting at a table having steins of beer.
The one with a pirate’s hat, one peg leg and lots more tattoos
than the other guy says, about his missing leg, “Well, matey, I
lost some great body art from all over the seven seas!”
Funny Soldier Joke
Soldiers
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier
asked an officer, “Who are all those cheering people?”
The veteran answered, “They’re the ones who aren’t going.”
Funny Pirate Joke
Shiver Me Piratin’ Timbers, Arrrrr!!!
A man walks into a pet store and says, “I’m playing
Long John Silver in the play Treasure Island, and
I’m looking for a parrot. Can you sell me one?”
The pet store owner says, “You don’t want a real
parrot, it’ll squawk all the time and poop on your
shoulder, and what [...]
Funny Elderly Lady Joke
Two elderly ladies were coming to the end of their train ride.
“Thank goodness that’s over” said one.
“Why?” enquired the other.
“Because my bottom has gone to sleep” replied the first.
“Yes, I know” said the other.
“How could you possibly know?” enquired the first.
“Well, it kept snoring” said the other.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Halloween Jokes
Trick or Treating by your sign…
# Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.
# Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.
# Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.
# Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.
# Leo plans [...]
Funny Jokes – Missionary
can’t seem to get a tender Missionary. I’ve baked them, I’ve roasted
them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sort of
marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender.”
The second cannibal asks, “What kind of Missionary do you use?”
The other replied, [...]
THANKS FOR THE CHAIN LETTERS AND OTHER “INFORMATIONAL” EMAILS
it’s good for removing toilet stains.
* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting
on a needle infected with AIDS.
* I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants
because they cause cancer.
* I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the
estrogens they contain [...]
Quick…hide the Fireworks!
4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats
that year was lighting the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle
rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of
state (they’re illegal in their state, of course!).
Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his
neighbors’ plans had [...]
Funny Jokes – Stupid Questions
Below are questions that people “actually asked” of Park Rangers
around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit
to the depths of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine)
Grand Canyon National Park…
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to [...]
Funny Jokes – Humor and Funny Jokes – Kids’ Deep Thoughts
asked to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.” –
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is
why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to
wash clothes on the last day of their life? [...]
Funny Jokes – MY kind of woman
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man
entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly
toward her (as [...]
Halloween Jokes
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy [...]
Funny Jokes – Baking cookies with your cat!
Baking Cookies (with your cat)
1. Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
2. Get cup of coffee.
3. Get cat off of cookbook.
4. Find that special recipe.
5. Get cat’s nose out of coffee mug.
6. Go to fridge and get eggs.
7. Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
8. Break eggs in small bowl.
9. Sift [...]
Kids’ Deep Thoughts
you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest
number you could come up with! –Age 6
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have [...]
Funny Jokes – Lawyer Jokes – Lunch
Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat
your own sandwiches in here!”
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged
sandwiches.
It’s gettin’ so you can’t eat anything
put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is
loaded with MSG.”
He continued, “High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes
the long-term harm [...]
Skim Milk
switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she
said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested
that she keep their regular container and refill it with
skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter
asked one morning whether the milk was okay.
“Sure, [...]
Funny Fairy Tale 2007
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, “I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.”
Tom Thumb said, “I must be the smallest person in the world.”
Quasimodo said, “I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.”
So they all [...]
At The Hospital
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little
nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. [...]
Heaven
One [...]
The First Class Airline Agent
I Pick Up Things
“My name starts with ‘M’ has six letters, and I pick up things.
What am I?”
One student responded with “Mother.”
Gov’mint work
streets of a huge office complex. One would dig a hole and
the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of a street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
without rest, one guy digging a [...]
Head of Household
and said: “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were
true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were
dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St.Peter.”
Soon, the women [...]
Hoot Owls
hooting like an owl. One night an owl called back to him.
For a year, Tom and his feathered friend hooted back and
forth. He even kept a log of the “conversation.”
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in
inter-species communication, his wife had [...]
Driver license picture?
After examining her driver’s license in silence for a
moment, he said, “You know something? This is one of the
finest, most realistic pictures I’ve ever seen. I’m glad to
see you aren’t one of those vain women who have their photos
retouched to remove all the lines in [...]
A Lawyer and a Blonde
Blonde Football fan
sense!
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football
game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied,” especially the cute
guys with all the big muscles; but I just [...]
Location, location, location
when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a
hand-lettered “For Sale” sign out front.
After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the
startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room,
opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets, and pointing
out where a “new light fixture here and a little [...]
Hey Doc
anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do -
everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this ‘miracle doctor’
to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. When it was time
for his appointment he told the doctor, “Hey, doc, [...]
‘Scuse Me
but couldn’t get her attention. When he was able to catch
her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her
into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his
amazement, she readily consented.
He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You
wouldn’t even make [...]
Golf?
presentation slides to lead the participants in singing.
Because the “d” and “f” keys are next to each other on the
keyboard, a mistake can easily be made and spell checkers do
not catch the wrong word in context.
The following morning as the service was occurring, the
participants began singing according [...]
Rattlesnake season
chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for
the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, “Be
careful; the rattlesnakes are out.”
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week
requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” [...]
Military Chat
routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself
with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an
intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded
by complex gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen. “That’s a chat
screen, sir,” the soldier said. “We use it to relay [...]
Point of view
his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to
visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks
in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How
about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”
He bought the ‘picture,’ but on the way [...]
The Psych Hospital
When [...]
The Pope & Golf
of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime
Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a
friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their
representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical [...]
The Bathtub Test
”Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, [...]
Father Flaherty
The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Fadder.’
The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’
She replied, ‘No, [...]
There’s roses for that?
my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on
the bouquet, a young man burst through the door,
breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
“I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last
bunch.” The desperate customer turned to me and begged, “May
I [...]
Power outage
sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that
the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have
to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim [...]
Bell ringer
Pearly Gates: “For Service Ring Bell.” Away he goes; he
barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes
back to the gates, but no one’s there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell
rings again. He rushes back to the [...]
Gun Jokes
mother into taking him into a toy shop. When they got there he
insisted that she buy him a gun. “But why do you need a gun?” asked
his mother. “Because teacher told us she was going to teach us to draw
tomorrow.”
Funny Jokes – Books
trade named: BOOK
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no
wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be
connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use, even a child
can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere — even
sitting in an armchair by the fire — yet it [...]
Really, really blonde!
convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car
and asks the blonde for her driver’s license. The blonde
convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, “What does it look like?”
The blonde police officer tells her, “It’s that thing with
your picture [...]
Pirate Jokes
Can you dig it?
the Norse god Thor. The statue had two large gemstones for eyes. Such a
statue had never before been seen. The two leading archaeologists both
wanted recognition for the find. They began to fight over who made the
discovery. The other archaeologists gathered to watch.
Eventually, the lead [...]
THE TITHE
ushers passed around the offering plates.
When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly,
“Don’t pay for me, Daddy, I’m under five.”
Wee Wisdom
“Mommy, I’ve got a stomachache.”
“That’s because your stomach is empty,” her mother replied.
“You’d feel better if you had something in it.” She gave
Susie a snack and sure enough, Susie felt better right away.
That afternoon the family’s minister dropped by. While he
was chatting with Susie’s mom, he mentioned [...]
Graduates
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
The wrong color
husband.
The instant she saw him she starts crying.
One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was [...]
Fish memorial service
neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the
rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What
are you up to there, Tim?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking
up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for
a goldfish, [...]
Jury Duty
dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think
of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he
decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to
begin he asked if he could approach the bench.
“Your Honor,” [...]
Collateral
loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application,
“What are you going to do with the money?”
“Take jewellery to city and sell it,” was the response.
“What have you got for collateral?”
“Don’t know collateral.”
“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of
the [...]